Hello dear Somewhat Silent friends and readers. I wrote this stuff a couple of months ago and it’s gathering cobwebs already so I decided to finally post it.:)
There were episodes of silence in my life. When I say episodes of silence it means times when I don’t talk to God, when our line of communication is broken, when I do not pray, I am silent.
Sometimes this silence will come to the point where I will be filled with hatred and rage. In my mind I will rage against my parents who did not move heaven and earth to have my deafness treated. In my mind I will tell them this deafness is the cause of all my life’s misfortunes. That this deafness made me believe I will amount to nothing. I want even arrogantly to tell the world I am capable of doing most anything except hear well. This deafness warped and dented my personality.
My deeply caring family will try to counsel me out of my pain and anger. My heart’s response was always – you will never know my pain unless you’re deaf yourself.
Strangely I never vented my anger on God. I just kept silent. I’m so hurt I refuse to talk to Him or confront Him. Perhaps because from childhood I have known Him to be a good, loving and merciful God and it is impossible for such kind of God to make me deaf, or give me pain. I have a great respect for this God that I dare not question Him but I behaved in such a way that He will see how hurt I was.
This silence stretched to many years until I woke up to the realization that God is not silent. In fact He’s trying to reach me, He’s talking to me. It is I who would not listen.
Thru a loving family who would not give up on me, thru times of self searching and reading the Bible and books about God I rediscovered the good God of my childhood. I learned divine truths that I need not question God about my disability. He is the potter, I am the clay. There is pain and sickness because we live in a fallen world.
God does not always give us answers to our questions but He gave us promises we can stand on. And most importantly, life is not about us but about God and His love for us while we still have a disability.
Ted Turner, the US media mogul said that God is only for losers. Exactly! And also for us who have lost our hearing. Even if we can cope, even if we have access to the best medical practitioners and the latest in technology, even if we have a supportive family, we still need God. Because again life is about Him and His love for us while we still have a disability. This only means even if God will not miraculously unstop our ears in our lifetime there is still a life out yonder when our healing will be complete. God is good and His mercies never end.
August 10th, 2006 at 1:17 pm
I dont see god as ‘HIM’ I am an unpracticing catholic, and brought up in these beliefs but as I grew older I chose my own beliefs, ones I can truely Live by and believe in.
God to me, is neither a man or a woman just a greater force that I cant even begin to explane!
but when I look around in nature the face of my loved ones, the feelings you feel when happy, sad, upset, excited, scared, I know that there is ’something more’ that to me is God. I treat others with respect, how i would expect other people to treat me, I am a very happy person, and like to live my live in a happy way, almost childish! im getting off the point!
I talk to this god/greater thingy, in thanks and also being selfish, I find I can be more selfish than thankfull, and that is unfair, and I will and have made the effort to change it.
I ask a lot for things, to go well, to have, wishing and almost begging for what I want.
Then again I appreciate life nature everything I have and have achieved, and thank this god for it every chance I get, I presume I am the same as everyone.
But I have never blamed anyone for my deafness, I dont think I have even ’spoken’ to ‘him’ about it, I try not to feel sorry for myself about it, but there are days, like you have they are dark days and I dont feel like talking to ‘him’ or anyone.
Your not alone in this athina, I dunno if I am as bad as you with my hearing loss, but we all have dark, very dark days and they are not easy, but I truely believe if you keep your faith you can work thru this, and if your God does it for you, go for it
Do what ever makes YOU happy, nobody else knows how YOU feel, I am deaf also, but I will never know how you feel inside, this is where I can say, we can support you and help you every way we know how, but its up to you alone to do the things and surround yourself with wats ‘does it’ for you
We all have dark days, we all have support, yet we are all individual in the way we feel.
but just because you are individual in the way you feel does not mean you are alone,
and this I hope makes you smile and feel good 
and yes God Is Good
I believe this too, more often than not good things happen in our lives, so something or someone is watching over us 
August 10th, 2006 at 9:11 pm
Thanks for the smiles and the warmth of your words, lette.
August 11th, 2006 at 12:22 am
I kinda ranted actually just reading that again !!!!
no worries, I tried hehe! 
August 11th, 2006 at 2:08 am
beautiful, athina.