One of the things that I’ve had the hardest time conveying to my hearing friends, relatives, and relationships is that group situations are extremely stressful to me unless I have met and spent time with each person individually. To put it lightly, they are hell. I end up quiet and in isolation unless someone seeks me out to talk to me, but that seldom happens because I’m quiet and gazing around in a daze looking at the pattern on the wallpaper or reading tee-shirts across the room.
Why aren’t I a part of the Deaf community, where this isn’t an issue? What in the world compells me to befriend hearing people that do not and cannot understand this limitation? I don’t know. I often think that it’s masochism on my part. Although realistically, it’s just a reluctance to abandon the culture and world and language that I was born into.
Where group situations are a hell, one-on-one is a heaven. I lipread, I comprehend, I learn, I build a dynamic, I memorise the person. I study their movements, their facial expressions, their thought process. I memorise their phrases, their body language, their eyes, their humor. I take on some of their characteristics, like an actor studying for a part. It’s almost a mating, an assimilation.
“You read minds!” people have said, when I utter words or sentences one or two steps ahead of them. This comes from the one-on-one. The bouncing conversation, the ping-pong, the intense period of initial communication. I crave that, and I need it. It enables me to understand, flawlessly, the people with the heavy accents. The lisps. The speech impediments. The people that no hearing person understands. I stumble sometimes, still, on the individual words but seldom on the meaning.
But how do I explain to a friend that I want to hang out with just them? How do I explain to my significant other that I really don’t want them to come with me when I’m meeting someone for the first time, or hanging out with a friend that I haven’t seen in a long time? It feels sneaky, underhanded, it feels like I’m excluding them from my life. And the friends that want to hang out in packs? It feels like I’m demanding their singular attention, a commitment of sorts. And the guy-friends who are in relationships? Forget it, I’ll most likely never see them again. Hell will freeze over before their girlfriend will understand why I don’t necessarily want her along to coffee or lunch.
To this degree, my deafness does drive my personal relationships. I’ll never be a social butterfly, I’ll never flit about making small talk, and you’ll most likely never see me at my best communication-wise with another person. You’ll percieve me as someone who communicates brilliantly with you, but in an inept and bumbling way to everyone else… And you’ll wonder at that paradox, and perhaps fancy that I just have some sort of special connection with you and you alone.
August 21st, 2005 at 4:21 pm
What a great post. I found myself nodding all the way through, so I don’t have anything useful to add except that I agree with so much of what you say. Actually I *do* tend to tell my friends that I’d rather see them one (or at the very most two) at a time, and fortunately they usually understand why. I’m not at all a social animal for just the same reason and I’m sure my deafness has something to do with that, as does the way I make friends. And on that last friendship point I think the one-on-one way that you and I prefer to meet and talk with people is something they come to value as well.
August 22nd, 2005 at 11:04 am
=To this degree, my deafness does drive my personal relationships. I’ll never be a social butterfly, I’ll never flit about making small talk, and you’ll most likely never see me at my best communication-wise with another person. You’ll percieve me as someone who communicates brilliantly with you, but in an inept and bumbling way to everyone else… =
I agree…sometimes being deaf can be a hindrance to our ability to talk to people and we get nervous trying to say something..so I utter/mutter some words and have to rephrase things. Or ask what they’re saying. It’s always a challenge.
I’m not in a relationship but it’s easier for me to be in a ‘one on one’ mode talking with someone as I read lips (if I can in a loud setting).
I avoid dance clubs..’cuz I don’t do that stuff..but I do enjoy an occassional drink or two or fine dining.
Sometimes it’s easier to meet at a coffee bistro..no need for a waitress but having a table with coffee and some food is all you need.
August 22nd, 2005 at 7:11 pm
Group socializing gives me chills!!! I swear, all that anxiety of trying to participate with groups has shaved ten years off my natural life! And yet, I still throw myself into it, like a blind-folded sailor walking the plank! Masochism indeed, with a touch of insanity.
So strange and new to be able to relate, to a T, with you guys. I felt my whole life that I was dealing with something that no other person would ever understand/experience - basically alone. I had no printed manual to guide me, or to grade myself by - completely flying by the seat of my pants. I have to admit that since coming into this site months ago - it’s helped me deal with situations with a little more humor and go easier on myself. I don’t feel like a personal failure so much now, because from what you guys shared, it’s something that anyone would go thru in the same circumstances. We’re all just trying our best
August 23rd, 2005 at 7:56 am
Julie- Everyone here has either grown up deaf, or spent the majority of our lives being deaf at this point, and we’re all mixed in with the hearing world. Since it’s something we’ve been dealing with day-in day-out, and that we never really witness someone else going through, I guess it never occurs to us that someone else might have mirror-experiences.
We live outside of the “Deaf community”, and (speaking for myself now) feel just as (or more) alienated by them, and so are often unable to look to them for the shared experiences.
I often laugh aloud and nod my head when reading what you, Nigel, Sanctum, and others have written. It’s a moment of “a-hah!”, and makes me feel less alien.
Thank you.
August 23rd, 2005 at 6:42 pm
And at the risk of starting a mutual self-congratulation fest… thank you too Sara
August 30th, 2005 at 5:00 am
I’d also like to thank you for posting, Sara. One of my biggest complaints about “socializing” in big group situations is how exhausted I am after time “relaxing” with friends. I feel like I spend so much energy just trying to keep up.
Great site. I’ve just discovered it.
Adrienne
August 30th, 2005 at 9:54 am
Adrienne,
Yes, it is energy tasking sometimes..usually for me, I try not to stress out and keep quiet. And yet, it’s frustrating not to be able to follow conversations when there’s background noise and such :/.
Especially phone interviews from job leads can be a pain…like recently I had one interview on the phone but did’nt get the job. However the guy liked my resume and work, and because it’s a private company, I think he wanted to keep his location a ’secret’, probably. I still don’t understand the logic behind phone interviews when in-person is the more professional approach. He had a bit of a hard time hearing me over because I was using my celly and I think I need a new headset for hearing aids :/.
I know it’s for another subject topic but it’s relative to our ability to deal with hearing people.
-Adam
August 30th, 2005 at 9:59 am
Hi there Adrienne - nice that you’ve found this site
Nigel
August 30th, 2005 at 10:49 am
Adrienne, Glad to see you’ve found us here. Hope you got my email welcoming you to the site and offering you posting privileges.
Feel free to lurk, to comment, and to post as you like.